Complicating things

A long time ago, when life was not nearly as complicated, I kissed a friend as part of my own experiment... we wanted to see how much could a kiss be enjoyed by two people who had no romantic feelings for each other, but who shared the loneliness and longings of adolescence. In plain terms we were both young, single and horny, but none of us wanted the commitment of a serious relationship. We just wanted to hook up, and we did on the rooftop of a city building. For some reason, although the issue had been planned and discussed at length, at the end of our experiment, we both were not only hornier but also had the weird feeling that the friendship had lost and gained something irreversible.
Today I'm in a similar situation, having experiments of my own, thinking that my brain is in perfect control of my emotions and testing the borders of my sanity.
I go between being perfectly rational and controlled, to letting go and let my gut and my instincts run the show.
I need to remember to stay grounded. I need to remember that I don't need any of this.
The hardest part of this process is w/out a doubt the impossibility of knowing w/ certainty what the other person involved feels or thinks. Having no control or information about what goes on in their heads adds a new dimension to the risk of playing w/ feelings and relationships.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I need to go back South. America is infecting me again with cynicism and stagnated thoughts. I need the movement, the reality, the magic, the feeling of being home, even when I know I don't belong there anymore. I have stayed in this country 6 years, 3 months and 8 days too many.

Friday night is alright for fighting

It seems this blog will only be visited while in a state of intoxication... good thing I buy Malbec no by the case, so the writing game is relatively often visited.
I have spent the last two weeks in a state of no spanish relations, living only between English and a lot of German and my brain is about to melt down a little. I have forgotten the effort and energy i need to keep my self sane when trying to balance everything in two foreign languages... I almost forgot the familiarity and relaxed "verlassenheit" that exists in Colombian Spanish. It is like spending so much time with your friends, that you forget how easy it is to come home, take of your shoes and crawl in bed to watch tv with your favorite teddy bear. It is a lot of fun to hang out, but from time to time, you need to come back home.


"Every word means what it means except when it doesn't." That pretty much goes to every language... you can learn the words out of a book and go to every grammar class available under the sun, if you don't get the little nuances, inflections, inside jokes and regional touches, you will never really understand a language or the heart of the people who speak it.

We cannot deny ourselves

We spend lately way too much time thinking and acting according to what we should be. What others think of us, "el que diran" dictates every act in our lives, how we speak, how we dress, what we accept to ourselves is "cool" or "nice" or "desirable". Throw everything overboard, you cannot deny yourself. Take the label off and accept that someone can in fact enjoy reading Hobsbawn and at the same time dance like nobody's business to a Lady Gaga song.

It's all fair game. Hater's gonna hate, so why even bother trying to please everybody?

In vino veritas

It's been almost a year since my last post. And it doesn't mean that I have not written anything since, I just haven't had the lady balls to publish it (sometimes, I also have not had the time to do it) Any hoo, today, March 17, 2011, I sit in front of my computer for the 11th hour today and think of all the things I should be doing instead of writing on this forsaken blog.
In the mean time, between August last year and today, I have moved into a new apartment, officially cut ties to my newest friend, got a promotion and quit chocolate (!). This only shows you that my life goes on as usual despite my efforts to keep everything as simple as possible.

Now, instead of writing an uninspired entry in this blog, I should be nerdying out to the tune of SCM (Supply Chain Management, people, let's get on with the program) I am fighting through three glasses of Merlot and a cigar, trying to express my feelings in this entry. Fuck the capacity planning assignment, I want to talk about how amazing the las few years have been. Scheiss drauf the essays I didn't write, I enjoy the tipsy feeling that moves me today to write a half-drunk entry.

I celebrate my self and DRINK myself, and what I assume, you shall assume, as every (wine) atom belonging to me, as good, belongs to you.

Tales of Saturday after noon

Matthias lies next to me taking a nap on this steamy Saturday afternoon. Outside it's hot and humid and it has rained and it has been sunny all through the course of a couple of hours. We pride ourselves of being on the run all the time, the incarnation of the "Carpe Diem" philosophy, mocking suburbians and their gardens. But today is a good day to stop. Drink some coffee, read a book or write some entry in an abandoned blog.
Today I dont feel like flying, I rather sit with a cat on my lap and the sunshine through the window.

No es derrota si el descanzo es voluntario; me duelen los meniscos del alma y tengo que sentarme a recobrar el aliento. Lo que se viene es tremendo!

La Vida al Rojo

Cuando dejare de echarle cabeza a los problemas por meses y meses y meses. Es mas facil decir las vainas de una y salir del embrollo con el corazon un poco enredado pero sin ninguna atadura. Ya van a ser 6 meses que hable con ella por ultima vez (lo que se dice realmente "hablar") y desde esa triste tarde la verdad que no me interesa continuar ningun tipo de relacion con ella. En algun momento idealice nuestra amistad como algo bien distinto, mi companiera de crimen, aun cuando fueramos muy distintas. Luego del la charla del otro dia, solamente quedo en evidencia lo distintas que somos. Me da mal genio no dar con alguien que este en el mismo sitio que yo. No estoy sola ni mucho menos, creo que nunca habia estado rodeada de tanta gente, y sin embargo el sentimiento de no pertenencia sigue alli, por que Alejandra sigue siendo "diferente". Me describen como "loud", "strong", "hard-headed", "outgoing" y ninguno de esos adjetivos me molestan... excepto por que es por esos mismos adjetivos que quedo aislada. Soy una isla de entusiasmo.
Pero no me puedo callar! No me voy a callar! Gritare desde mi isla hasta que me quede sin voz.