Du muss das Leben nicht verstehen --MANTRA

Du mußt das Leben nicht verstehen,
dann wird es werden wie ein Fest.
Und laß dir jeden Tag geschehen
so wie ein Kind im Weitergehen
von jedem Wehen
sich viele Blüten schenken läßt.

Sie aufzusammeln und zu sparen,
das kommt dem Kind nicht in den Sinn.
Es löst sie leise aus den Haaren,
drin sie so gern gefangen waren,
und hält den lieben jungen Jahren
nach neuen seine Hände hin.

Mein Herz springt!

I'm currently back in school to see if I finally, after 8 years of having started a career, I am going to get any closer to a title. Of course for Business school, we have to take calculus, and entrepeneurship and whatnot, but also we have to take those classes that are pre requisites to fulfill but that nobody knows for sure the point of those 3 hours weekly in front of a teacher. For me this class is, or at least should be, Texas and US Constitution and politics.

It's more than a prerequisite. It is a reminder of the things I used to love and feel passionate about 8 long years ago. Politics, even if it is American politics, even if my teacher is obssesed with the Simpsons and keeps telling us this is a somewhat useless class, talking about democracy, and reading Max Weber, makes my heart jump.

I feel I might have betrayed myself a little by going into business, like i am robbing someone the oportunity of following his carreer and be a succesful person (but then again, that's a lot of bull, cause I'm not robbing ayone anything; this is a free country, even for me). In the end I will make something out of what I learn, be it accounting or political marketing, I know I won't just sit there and waste what is given to me in school, but I doubt my heart will spring as high when talking about budgets and managerial theory.



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa Should I go back!!??

Que vaina....

Con todas las ganas que me han dado de ir a Colombia ultimamente, me pregunto si esa tremenda nostalgia que tengo por la carrera septima y laPuerta Falsa no son sino excusas para evadir mis diarias tristezas texanas.
Hace una semana y pico se fue mi amiga Danesa, hace dos semanas se nos fue un aleman, en una semana se iran otros amigos a Dinamarca. Aveces parece que todo el mundo se va y uno se va quedando solo en esta tierra de extranios. Es raro, pues con todas las despedidas que me han tocado, es en estos dias que me he sentido realmente vulnerable a la situacion y con nada se me mueve el corazon y se me aguan los ojos. Pilas: no he vuelto a mis depresiones clinicas, pero la falta que me hace todo el mundo no hacen que el verano se vaya mas rapido.
Hoy estoy solita en mi apartamento (M. esta de viaje de negocios) y si me preguntara relamente a quien puedo llamar para conversar un rato o tomarme un cafe, ya no se me ocurre nadie. Que patetico. Ahora, no quiere decir que yo no tenga conocidos... lo que no tengo es Amigos. Amigos con los que uno comparte las ideas, los que le entienden los chistes, los que le dicen a uno si esta comiendo mucho o saben la absoluta importancia de tener chocolate a la mano cuando llega el periodo. Esos Amigos ya se fueron.


Y me pone muy triste eso.

Bueno, ya dejo de quejarme, cuando pueda le corrijo la ortografia a este post. Por ahora me pondre a armar mi mueblecillo de IKEA y me ire a leer (si, aveces leo, quien lo diria...)

Pooped out -- Horses

for some odd reason I keep getting spam on this entry. Although deleting spam is just a click, I wonder why is it that it is only this post the one being targeted???


potty mouth right there, but frankly, when have I cared? I've been a potty mouth ever since I started talking (ask my mom about). Any how, today it is totally worth it. I can say today with all truth that I have earned my money.

K is using me I know, he doesnt really care, as the older guy says, he is indeed an asshole; I shouldnt really follow his orders, but that's my thing, I like the assholes.



When I was young in Colombia I used to ride this mare called Medianoche or something. It was at a time when I wasnt really sure I would go on with the horseback riding, so I didn't own a horse, I borrowed them from other people for practice. The thing is, I could've picked any other animal in the stable, I always stuck to Medianoche... and she was the horse version of a royal asshole. Unlike little speckled Mateo or gentle Albatroz, Medianoche didnot give a flying f5ck about my directions, was terribly hardheaded and took all of my strength not to let her run amock in the arena. And still I liked her and picked her every week. Still I fed her carrots and apple and patted her behind. I respected her and obeyed her and I was glad every Sunday when I rode her, and I was also glad when I brought her back to the stable.
Granted, some months later, when I was totally infatuated with horse back riding, I was practicing in the open ring when Medianoche totally lost it and threw me to the floor. I can't remember exactly how it happened. I just know, one moment I'm on top of her, thinking how the stupid weather was going to ruin the whole practice, and the next one I'm beingkicked in the head and the arms by some crazy mare. Fortunately the only thing that broke was my helmet and, well, my pride. My arm had was covered in blue-green-black spots and everything hurt.

Now 15 years later, I dont ride horses any more. I'd love to, but even in Texas I'm far away from them (and gringo horses speak English- it's not the same). I dont ride horses, but I still like assholes, I just hope K doesn't throw me one day and break my pride.

Uy m4rica, voy pa Colombia

No, no voy, ist just wishful thinking after seeing some beautiful pictures of Bogota and other places in the country. Aveces me pongo a pensar que haría si volviera por una o dos semanas. Tendría tantas tantisimas cosas que hacer y que ver, que probablemente no podría dormir ni descansar un poquito.
Aveces cuando estoy apunto de dormirme o en algún lugar/momento de especial felicidad, se me va la cabeza a un punto exácto de Bogotá: la calle 19 con carrera 3a, donde el transmilenio daba la vuelta cuando yo todavía vivía en Colombia. No se por qué... simplemente me imagino a mi misma en el centro de esa locura de tráfico y de gentes apresuradas a sus trabajos y a clases y de alguna forma se que allí pertenezco y que allí estoy en paz. Salir del país me abrió la cabeza, me mostró quien era yo, me dio en la jeta figuradamente para que la niña consentida y de la casa aprendiera a ver que carajos hacía con su vida y dejara tanto lloriqueo. Y resulta que al salir del país y al tener la certeza de que ya no volvería a vivir allí fue que me dí cuenta que allá es que pertenezco y que yo desde hace rato sabía quien era yo misma. Que ironía.
*****
En mi colegio había:
1. un árbol de cerezas que daba unos frutitos negros y ácidos los cuales todas tratabamos de coger y comer aunque supieran terrible y dieran dolor de estomago
2. Una perra blanca llamada Katiuska, de una paciencia estóica para soportar niñas de kinder a 2 de primaria que la consentían TODOS los días
3. Un bosquecito lindísimo, si bien no contaba con más de tres o cuatro eucaliptos que servían de escenario para cuanto juego había en el recreo
4. Una burra llamada Algo que no me puedo acordar. También era la mascota del colegio y todo el mundo pensaba que era la absoluta maravilla, pero a mi me caía gorda y un día me mordió la espalda. Pinche burra.
5. Un señor llamado Cháves, que nada tiene que ver con el mono de presidente que tienen los Venezolanos. Era un tipo flaco y de pelo oscuro que fue lo único que cambió un poquito con los años haciéndole ver mayor. De resto Cháves era como los árboles, siempre estaba allí, siempre haciendo algo. Era el alma del colegio. Hace poco oí que andaba enfermo del corazón. Si Cháves se muere, merece entierro en la montañita y un pabellón de la biblioteca en su nombre.
6. Una montañita en el parque de preescolar, donde en los recreos se untaban los uniformes de pasto verde y se podía tomar el sol y jugar a escalar. Desde allí si uno quería, se podía ver todo el colegio de una.

Mi colegio me duele aveces cuando estoy sola en mi actitud de adulta y tirándomela de gran cosa. No tuve muchos amigos allí, la mayoría de la gente pensaba que yo estaba...un poquito off. Pero mi colegio, el pasto, los árboles, el cubo, las paredes, ellos me vieron crecer y caerme, y reír muy muy fuerte, pensar y escribir y llorar un poquito aveces.

3;58 pm, almost time to go home and the keyboard lies before me

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top
I wish I was the evidence, I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a camaros hood

I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on
I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb to trust and never let you down

I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up
I wish...

I cant stand the rain

We started again a new week with a lot of plans and a lot to do. The store and the plans that we have for the near future.

I cant stand the rain, against my window...

Today I cried when they left, i felt that I hadnt done enought with them, that eventhough they were positively impressed, I let them down. No matter how much time passes, I still feel my father is so far away where we cant reach each other. And we cant talk, when all I want to say is that I miss him and that I love him very much

Bringin back sweet memories...

I'll go to bed now, i'm tired and the most pointless of days comes ahead. Let's see how much I'll get done now.

Desde el nuevo apartamento

WE are here finally, three weeks since we moved and i'm still ajdusting to this new concept of shorter commutes and daylight out of my car. I love it, being here, second time I move in less than a year and with Matthias; cooking, chatting, listening to music, everything is a little newer, a little fresher here.

The other day while laying on the bed, it dawned on me that we are not in the "honeymoon" phase anymore. Now, that doesnt mean that i dont miss him when he travels, that i dont like to hug him at night when we sleep or kiss him goodbye when i head to work. Is just that i know now, this is for real. I am married. For real. with all his corkinesses and mine, and it works. I might not be able to make it come across in these lines, but to me this is amazing and less and less frightening.

Partners in crime... in a new apartment.

Who would have thought????

I cannot write today... i've written too much in my head about what's going on and the heartburn (and the heartache) is killing me. CC will help now:

Hynkel: I'm sorry, but I don't want to be an Emperor - that's not my business. I don't want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone, if possible -- Jew, gentile, black man, white. We all want to help one another; human beings are like that. We want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery. We don't want to hate and despise one another. In this world there's room for everyone and the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone.

The way of life can be free and beautiful.

But we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned men's souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical, our cleverness hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost.

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men, cries out for universal brotherhood for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world, millions of despairing men, women, and little children, victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people.

To those who can hear me I say, "Do not despair." The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass and dictators die; and the power they took from the people will return to the people and so long as men die, liberty will never perish.

Soldiers: Don't give yourselves to brutes, men who despise you, enslave you, who regiment your lives, tell you what to do, what to think and what to feel; who drill you, diet you, treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don't give yourselves to these unnatural men, machine men, with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts. You don't hate; only the unloved hate, the unloved and the unnatural.

Soldiers: Don't fight for slavery! Fight for liberty! In the seventeenth chapter of Saint Luke it is written, "the kingdom of God is within man" -- not one man, nor a group of men, but in all men, in you, you the people have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness. You the people have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.

Then, in the name of democracy, let us use that power! Let us all unite!! Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work, that will give you the future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power, but they lie! They do not fulfill their promise; they never will. Dictators free themselves, but they enslave the people!! Now, let us fight to fulfill that promise!! Let us fight to free the world, to do away with national barriers, to do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men's happiness.

Soldiers: In the name of democracy, let us all unite!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hannah, can you hear me? Wherever you are, look up, Hannah. The clouds are lifting. The sun is breaking through. We are coming out of the darkness into the light. We are coming into a new world, a kindlier world, where men will rise above their hate, their greed and brutality.