A long time ago, when life was not nearly as complicated, I kissed a friend as part of my own experiment... we wanted to see how much could a kiss be enjoyed by two people who had no romantic feelings for each other, but who shared the loneliness and longings of adolescence. In plain terms we were both young, single and horny, but none of us wanted the commitment of a serious relationship. We just wanted to hook up, and we did on the rooftop of a city building. For some reason, although the issue had been planned and discussed at length, at the end of our experiment, we both were not only hornier but also had the weird feeling that the friendship had lost and gained something irreversible.
Today I'm in a similar situation, having experiments of my own, thinking that my brain is in perfect control of my emotions and testing the borders of my sanity.
I go between being perfectly rational and controlled, to letting go and let my gut and my instincts run the show.
I need to remember to stay grounded. I need to remember that I don't need any of this.
The hardest part of this process is w/out a doubt the impossibility of knowing w/ certainty what the other person involved feels or thinks. Having no control or information about what goes on in their heads adds a new dimension to the risk of playing w/ feelings and relationships.
